


Orcorum Tenebrarum Vitae

by vulthuryol



Series: Diamonds in the Sky [6]
Category: Marathon (Video Games)
Genre: Alien Character(s), Artificial Intelligence, Cyborgs, Multi, Original Character(s), Snippets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 16:02:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18876487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulthuryol/pseuds/vulthuryol
Summary: A collection of snippits and one shots I have written for Marathon. Most of these are just silly short stories or fun prompts from Tumblr.For fifty years Durandal's ship, The Rozinante, flew through the galaxy. Examining, analyzing, and discarding data as he chose. There is the pesky Pfhor Empire to contend with during this time, as well as a growing universe of aliens and problems to address.At least both Durandal and his Battleroids could safely say that life is never boring!





	1. Chic A.I. Cherry Cola

Prompt 1

*  
*  
*

Calvin stands at the entrance of the Rozinante’s kitchen. The Security Officer is not brave enough to enter just yet. “Wha… What happened?” breathed the younger Revenant brother.

Durandal’s android doesn’t bother to look up from the steaming, bubbling pot of sludge. “Chemistry experiment.” The A.I. mutters distractedly. “Apparently the fools who created this flambé recipe did not anticipate the chemicals of alien fruit. It’s been quite an enlightening experience.”

Taking a deep breath, Calvin enters the kitchen and carefully navigates around the hazardous puddles questionable substances. He pauses to regard the butcher knife that is now buried three inches deep into the ceiling. For a second the Security Officer considers asking about the knife, then wisely decides to drop the matter. 

Instead Calvin points out, “You know that I cook here right? That the food we need to eat is here. If you wanted to experiment with this stuff, you could have used the lab.”

The android pauses his experiment to stare at Calvin. The glare would have been more effective if Durandal didn’t have flour in his black hair, making the A.I. look like an old man. “If you are just going to stand there and point out the obvious, then make yourself useful and help me clean up this mess.” snapped the android.

Calvin raised an unimpressed eyebrow and glanced pointedly at the precarious tower of messy bowls all covered with acid green sludge. A stainless steel spoon lay nearby. Well, it once was a spoon. Sadly Durandal’s concoction had melted the thing into a silver toothpick. “Dude? Is it safe for me to even pick up this stuff? I’m sure as hell not cleaning something that is going to melt my hands off.”

“Caaaaal! You know better than that! Don’t waste food!”

Jumping in surprise, Calvin whirls around to see a wasted Jason slumped over the kitchen table. “Brother?” the Security Officer asks in disbelief. “Please don’t tell me you’re drunk.”

Durandal furrowed his brow as he examined the elder Revenant brother. “None of my experiments had any alcohol.” The A.I. mused.

“I added some!” hiccupped Jason. He waved his cup around happily. “Your recipe needed a kick.”

The A.I. scowled. “It needed no such thing. My equations were perfect!”

“Brother? What are you drinking?” Calvin was seriously considering transporting Jason down to the medical wing.

“A Chic a Cherry Cola!”

“Uh… What?” Calvin peered closer at the cup.

“A Chic a Cherry Cola! Durpy made it! Who knew that it actually exists? Right? I just thought this stuff was a made up lyric in that lame boy-band song that Almace likes.” Jason babbled eagerly.

Calvin sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sugar. You just had to give him sugar.”

“Your brother eats sugar all the time.” Durandal points out reasonably. “Why is this any different?”

“Hey… Guys? I… I don’t feel so good…”

THUNK!!!

Both Durandal and Calvin stare at the passed out elder brother with concern. “Perhaps you should take him and make sure he gets lots of fluids…” Durandal begins awkwardly.

“Yeah no kidding.” Calvin grouses while picking up his older brother. “And next time, do your chemistry experiment in the lab and stay out of my kitchen!”

*  
*  
*


	2. Loony Tunes

Prompt 2

*  
*  
*

The S’pht love to watch Loony Tunes. 

Granted, at first they were appalled by the violence of the cartoons. But Jason quickly fixed that by explaining that the evil characters (Sylvester, Wile E Coyote and so on) were the Pfhor Empire. While the good guys, (Tweety Bird, Road Runner and ect) were the S’pht.

This simple explanation spread throughout the S’pht network like wildfire and the cloaked aliens became obsessed with watching the cartoons. All of them eager to see comical acts of destruction occur to their much hated slavers. The popularity of Loony Tunes quickly led to movie nights. But… It wasn’t like a typical human movie night.

For one, it usually took an hour just to run one joke through the hologram video. Not because Durandal had slow downloading speed. Perish the thought!

It was because the S’pht wanted examine each gag through a very logical, very scientific, and very methodical manner. Zany antics and feats of God, did not sit well with the cyborg species. How did the Tweety Bird produce the stick of dynamite out of thin air? How did the Road Runner run through a stone wall that was painted to look like a tunnel?

In the few minutes that the joke was aired, the watching clan of S’pht would be zealously working on equations boarding quantum physics in nature to explain their favorite characters actions. Durandal would obligingly pause the hologram humoring the S’pht as they feverishly solved the insanity that was Loony Tunes. Then, when the aliens were satisfied with their results, the gag would continue.

The S’pht’s quirky way of watching Loony Tune could almost be forgiven… Almost…

But the Pfhor crewmembers found out about movie night.

These members of the Pfhor were demoted to the worst positions in the Empire before they turned traitor and joined Durandal’s ranks. They were demoted because they were too intelligent for the Empire to control. Or they had strong beliefs that did not consist to the King and Country. Regardless, they did not enjoy being the butt of the S’pht’s jokes. So they quickly crashed movie night in order to study these ‘Tweeting Birds’ and ‘Wile Coyotes.’ 

Nerds like Re’eer, who loved language of other alien species, quickly became the translator of all cartoons. While warriors like Ssh’uph started to map out the strategies and weapons that were used throughout the cartoons. Their combined results?

The villains such as Sylvester and Wile E Coyote were actually smarter than the good guys!

Now it’s an uproar. The Pfhor’s careful observations quickly created a theory that cheerfully pointed out that cat’s and coyote’s elaborate traps were signs of a superior intelligence. The S’pht, who are nerds in nature, were quick to find ways to defend their favorite tweeting bird’s and racing roadrunner’s I.Q. from the Pfhor’s insults. Movie night quickly becomes a war zone. 

A single joke takes two hours or more to air on the hologram screen. The Pfhor are outlining their blue prints of the catapults made by the coyote, while shaming the Road Runner that does nothing but run and beep. The S’pht on the other hand, are madly upping their calculations on multiple universes and worm holes. Apparently the Road Runner is so smart, that he had somehow created these feats of quantum physics in order to destroy the Coyote’s elaborate traps.

The only person who seems to enjoy himself during this was the single Drinniol on the Rozinante. Gram, being as ancient as he was, knew from experience how this battle of nerds would play out. He also had an excellent sense of humor along with a healthy desire for money.

Like a hustler, the Drinniol would sit among the grumpy Pfhor and agitated S’pht watching the cartoon build up the scene for the joke. When the video was paused, the S’pht and Pfhor go would go at it. Charts were pulled out, measurements of the roadrunner’s speed was taken, holographic models of the traps were made, math equations would fly, physics equations would soar, and Gram would take their bets.

The S’pht would win if they could deduce why the trap would not work before Durandal resumed the cartoon. The Pfhor would win if the trap goes off without a hitch and the only reason that the coyote failed was because of an act of God. And Gram would win if an act of God would occur before the trap could even be triggered.

Needless to say the Drinniol was rolling in money at this point.

And in the center of all this chaos sat three very confused Battleroids and one very amused A.I.. All four of them shudder to think what they have just unleashed upon the universe.

*  
*  
*


	3. Rock You!

Prompt 3

*  
*  
*

"Buddy you’re a boy making a big noise.   
Playing in the street gonna be a big man some day!  
You got mud on your face!  
You big disgrace!  
Kicking your can all over the place!  
Singing  
We will We will rock you!  
We will We will rock you!”

Calvin groaned as he heard the iconic music play throughout the swamp. “Queens again?” asked the Security Officer as he shot a Looker. Damn bugs kept trying to sneak up on him in the foul smelling water.

“Well, we do have a lot of mud on us!” Giggled Jason as he tried to navigate above the swamp by jumping from tree branch to tree branch like a monkey. Sadly the smaller man wasn’t always able to land his mark and he was indeed covered in Pfhor Prime’s infamous muck.

Calvin who had given up trying to stay clean hours ago just continued to slog through the murky water while shooting at the Pfhor fighters that were trying to defend the oddly bamboo textured buildings. “You sure this place has what we need to win the war?” He asked while dodging an Enforcer’s flamethrower.

“Pretty sure. Durpy wouldn’t activate the terminal to play music unless he wanted us to be here.” Jason murmured before jumping further ahead into the massive trees. “Play bait for me Bro. I think I can get behind them and box the bastards in.”

“Got it.” Calvin reloaded his assault rifle before frowning in confusion. “Where’s Almace? Isn’t she with you?”

A single clap of thunder echoed through the swampland. An explosive Pfhor Drone that had been sneaking up on Calvin while he was occupied shattered harmlessly into pieces. “Oh…” Calvin blinked in surprise to see their missing teammate sit clean and dry on a couple of rocks twenty yards away.

“Yeah… She’s the only smart one among us.” Jason grumbled in the coms. “Been using the sniper rifle to pick off bad guys this entire time. Hasn’t even set one foot into the water.”

Calvin rolled his eyes as a massive Pfhor Hunter roared eagerly for battle. “Maybe we should just let her do all the work from now on then.” Seriously this fight would be so much easier if his feet could stand on firm solid ground.

“You boys already make me do all the work.” Almace sighed over their com link. With a few well aimed shots from her sniper rifle, the Hunter grunted and fell over dead. It’s heavy body splashing the swamp water tremendously and drenching Calvin even more thoroughly than before.

Calvin, now soaking wet, gestured to his dead opponent. “Was that really necessary?” he called out to the girl. “I had him!”

“Just shut up and get to the terminal. I’m tired of Durandal’s music as well.”

“HEY!!!” Jason yelled into the coms. “Don’t insult Queens! They are a classic!”

“A classic pain in the ass Brother!”

*  
*  
*


	4. Celebrate the small things

Promt: Why Calvin owns the Kitchen

*  
*  
*

Jason was dancing throughout the hallways of the Rozinante.

It was a ridiculous little dance full of swinging hips and shaking shoulders. His old hoodie, now remade into a cloak, twirled from his neck like a waving banner. While Jason danced through the ship’s corridors he waved a long pole high above his head. Attached to it, like a flag, was a pair of boxer shorts with little ducks printed on it.

The S’pht didn’t understand what was going on but Jason’s good mood was so infectious, they couldn’t help but join in. Flaring their cloaks accordingly to when the small botanist would shimmy his cape to the left or to the right, the long line of dancing aliens made for a colorful display.

It didn’t take long for Durandal, Calvin, and Almace to make an appearance to see what was going on. Seeing the three approaching Jason’s little parade, the Science Officer couldn’t help but sing out to them.

“Have you pooped today?  
Yes! I have pooped today!  
Not that you would care,  
About my state of affairs.  
Still none the less I have to say!  
That I have pooped  
TODAY!!!”

With a flourish, Jason twirled his improvised boxer flag and marched his little S’pht parade further down the corridors. The three watchers were silent for a moment before Almace finally ventured, “Did he get constipation again?”

“He has eaten every apple in storage to cure himself.” Calvin groaned while hiding his face with his hands.

“At least it worked.” Almace tried to be optimistic.

“But we still haven’t tested long term affects of the alien food!” Calvin yelped. Pulling his hands away from his face, the Security Officer waved them about in frustration. “For all we know, those alien apples could have some kind of unknown bacteria in them that will poison Jason years later! He could have killed himself just now!”

“My scans show no readings.” Durandal commented in odd tone of voice. Apparently it was taking everything the A.I. had to not laugh at the situation. “If anything, your older brother will probably suffer diarrhea in the near future… If that happens he’s probably gonna need more pants.”

“Don’t start.” Calvin growled at the android.

“I’m just saying those boxer shorts look a little too big for him.” The A.I. replied innocently.

“Durandal. Don’t.”

A long pause came after Calvin’s quiet threat. Then, with a stilted snicker, Durandal muttered. “Cute duckies.”

With a snarl, Calvin looked ready to murder the android. Thankfully Almace diffused the situation with her next comment, “At least Jason’s not using my sports bra again.”

Durandal couldn’t help but laugh while Calvin buried his beet red face in his hands again.

*  
*  
*


	5. Jason's List

Promt: Skippy's List for Jason

*  
*  
*

I, Jason Revenant, am not allowed to do anything that is written on this list. Shall I ever do commit the forbidden crime and act on what is on this list. I will be forced to five hours of watching chick flicks with no alcohol, popcorn, or company to save me from this torture.

 

1\. I am not allowed to introduce myself as Luke Skywalker to random aliens. Nor am I allowed to call myself a Jedi. Calvin is not Han Solo. I am not allowed to put donuts on Almace’s ears. And I am no longer allowed to teach the Drinniol how to growl like a wookie.

2\. When I’m escorting Durandal’s android around an alien plant, I am not allowed to say. “These aren’t the Droids you’re looking for.” While waving my hand slowly at the local alien guards.

3\. I am not allowed to call myself Paul Atreides or Paul Maud’Dib. I am also not allowed to keep giant sand worms…

4\. I am not allowed to smuggle man-eating plants onboard the Rozinante. I am not allowed to keep Grendels, Pfhor Hounds, Lookers, F’lckta, Cabal war-beasts, Unggoy, Huragok or any other kinds of creatures that could be considered pets onboard Durandal’s ships.

5\. I am also not allowed to have two white mice and name them Pinky and Brain.

6\. I am not allowed to throw Pfhor underwear at my brother.

7\. I am not allowed to steal Almace’s sport bras and give them to the S’pht as “Fruit Baskets.”

8\. I am not allowed to go into the kitchen unless there is someone nearby to supervise me. Note: Durandal doesn’t count.

9\. I am not allowed to go into the engine room period.

10\. I am not allowed to touch Almace’s favorite tools unless I want my manhood to be torn off and shoved down a black hole.

11\. I am not allowed to show the aliens Loony Tunes. (That has been crossed out) I am not allowed to show the aliens Tom and Jerry. (That has also been crossed out) I am not allowed to show the aliens Animaniacs. Note: I really don’t want to watch horrible chick flicks right now so I’ll wait on showing everyone the glories of Yakko Wakko and Dot. 

12\. I am not allowed to invoke Yog-Sothoth when I’m working. Nor am I allowed to accuse Almace of being a spawn of Azathoth. I am not allowed to introduce myself as Nyarlathotep. And I’m not allowed to call Cels’ race the Great Race of Yith.

13\. I am allowed only one minute and thirty seconds of running around cackling “It’s alive! It’s alive!” if one of my plants blooms.

14\. I am not allowed to put red shirts on anyone I don’t like and send them down into a hostile environment.

15\. I am not allowed to scream “Cowabunga!” when I charge into battle.

16\. I am not allowed to introduce Durandal to the word, “Allons-y!” (That has been crossed out) I am now no longer allowed to find a person named Alonzo.

17\. The Black Garden can not be called the Tardis. The Vault of Glass can not be called the Tardis. The Infinite Forest can not be called the Tardis.

18\. I am not allowed to give white substances to anyone. I am not allowed to give salt to anyone. I am not allowed to place glass near anything Durpy touches. Basically… No more Radiolaria Semen jokes.

19\. I am not allowed to pick a fight with the Cabal Emperor even though he tried to eat one of Cels’ machine worlds and nearly got poor Argos killed. Seriously dude! What did my little baby Hydra do to you?!?!

20\. I am not allowed to call the Flood spores, “Party Hats.” I am not allowed to scream for Greg the Care Bear Killer to save me from the Gravemind. I am not allowed to curse Jason Jones when I accidentally blow myself up with a grenade jump.

21\. I am not allowed to call Durandal “Dad” or Almace “Mom”.

22\. I am not allowed to sing, “Shimmy Shimmy Ko Ko Bop” around the Vylae.

23\. I am not allowed to quote Shakespeare around the Nar. Note: Re’eer may seriously kill me if I try to do that again. If not, his boyfriend Ssh’uph certainly will.

24\. I am not allowed to flip up the S’pht’s skirts.

25\. I am not allowed to hitch a ride on the S’pht’Kr unless I want to die a horrible plasma burning death.

26\. I am not allowed to perform the “Chicken Dance”, the “YMCA Dance”, or the “Macarena Dance” when an enemy is monologuing.

27\. I must wear pants at all times… Even when wearing camouflage body paint. 

28\. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot. 

29\. I am not allowed to pester Almace into making robotic flying monkeys. I am not allowed to pester Almace into making a Delorean. I am not allowed to pester Almace into making a Transformer. I am not allowed to pester Almace into making a flux capacitor. Basically I’m not allowed to pester Almace period.

30\. If we find a planet that contains one horned animals. I am not allowed to tie my brother to a tree in hopes of capturing a unicorn.

31\. I can call myself Sam Gamgee if I kill a giant alien spider. (This has been crossed out) Note: Considering all the hobbit jokes that I get now, this may not have been a good idea.

32\. Frabjous is not a real word. I should not tell Re’eer that it is a real word despite the fact that my cloak is absolutely frabjous!

33\. I am not allowed to ask Sv’agn, “What came first the chicken or the egg?”

34\. I am not allowed tell aliens that, “A grenade is a pineapple and therefore safe to eat.” Note: The Drinniol actually believe this and Gram nearly had a conniption when his people tried to eat it.

35\. I am no longer allowed to try and explain Calvinball to the aliens. I am also not allowed to introduce Grifball to the aliens.

36\. When Re’eer is trying to understand the human saying, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” I am not allowed to confuse the poor alien by pointing out that Durandal is proof that the quote is false.

37\. Sex Pollen is a bad idea… Really really bad idea… Note: It happens anyway.

38\. I am not allowed to sell to the aliens a 1979 Camaro that I don’t even have. I am also not allowed to tell the aliens that the Camaro might be an Autobot.

39\. I am not allowed to challenge a Sangheili to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn.”

40\. I must keep my hat on if I’m dancing “Full Monty” at the alien bar. Nor am I allowed to moon any aliens while I’m dancing.

41\. Forerunner Tanks do not exist. I am not allowed to run around in random ruins to look for them despite the awesomeness that would ensue should I find one.

42\. If I steal an alien ship, I am not allowed to talk in a pirate accent when I’m reporting the incident to Durandal. Nor am I allowed to wear a false eye patch since it scares Sv’agn into thinking I have an actual injury.

43\. Cr’tna and Ssh’uph will never get along. Inviting them over for Monopoly is a horrible idea. Do not allow those two to ever invest in buying property because they will take over the universe and we’ll all be doomed.

44\. Not all aliens keep their genitals in the same place. I must research first before I randomly pickpocket them.

45\. I am not allowed to draw smiley faces on Durandal’s Marathon logo. I am not allowed to draw any emojis on any of the terminal’s screens. I am not allowed to smell the sharpie. I am not allowed to keep the sharpie.

46\. I’m not allowed to shout “There she blows!” when Tycho shows up. Nor am I allowed to rant like Captain Ahab if Tycho should rear his horrible A.I. ass.

47\. I am not allowed to get drunk, take off all of my clothes, attach donuts to my body, take photos of the amount of donuts I’ve attached to my body, and send photos out to the rest of the Rozinante crew while daring them to fit more donuts to their body than I did. Note: no one has managed to break my record yet.

48\. Screaming “Great Scott!” and fainting, is not an adequate response when old Theo tells you to go back in time. Nor am I allowed to run around screaming if I hear that something runs with the power of 1.21 gigawatts.

49\. It took our Pfhor crewmembers a long time to be convinced that humans aren’t larva. Therefore telling Re’eer that you need to be babied is horrible and I should be ashamed of myself.

50\. Locking my brother, Almace, and Durpy’s android into a room together is a horrible, terrible, no good idea. … I did it anyway… The S’pht are now planning out the wedding ceremony. While the Pfhor are also redecorating one of the rooms into a giant nest for their new hive queen. Apparently nobody told the Pfhor that Almace couldn’t (and wouldn’t) produce five billion kids like the Pfhor Queens do.

*  
*  
*


	6. Hello Nurse!

Prompt: The aliens watch Animaniacs

*  
*  
*

It started innocently enough…

Durandal was always humming something at his terminals on the Rozinante. Usually it is some random tune he had found from a nearby alien network which had caught the A.I.’s fancy. Or an old Sol song that Jason brought up that amuses Durandal. On some days Almace could walk down several corridors and hear ten different melodies being hummed, sang, or being badly improvised on the passing terminals.

This new song wasn’t any different…

“She’s the woman of the year, independent, a career, there’s not a thing that she couldn’t do. Oh, she’s alert, she’s aware, she’s got legs like Astaire, and a 157 I.Q.. She has several PHD’s, speaks fluent Japanese, and her shoes will always match with her purse.”

Almace furrowed her brow and asked curiously. “Is that a new one? It has a slower beat than your usual hard Rock n’ Roll style.”

The screen flickered at her observation. It was Durandal’s equivalent of shrugging. “Sometimes certain classics sneak up on you.” The A.I. replied in a low voice. “I, for one, wasn’t expecting to enjoy this medium so much. But I do find its content satisfying.”

“Well at least you’re enjoying yourself.” Almace readjusted her tool bag over her shoulder. “As for myself, I need to get to engineering.”

“Good luck!” Durandal sang out to her. As Almace walked away she faintly heard the A.I. musing, “Can’t use the shoes and purse line. Doesn’t work. But what rhymes? Hearse? Curse? Reverse? …I can work with this.”

*

The second warning sign of what was to come didn’t rear its ugly head until Almace found various S’pht engineers gathered around a massive blueprint of what looked like a humble toaster. “Uh… Guys? What’s going on?”

One of the blue cloaked aliens perked up at her entrance. “We’re trying to take over the-”

“The electrical system in this heating device!” Another gray clad S’pht interrupted quickly.

“Really?” Almace arched a brow as she read over the schematics on the blueprint. “By… installing a death ray… fueled by plutonium… inside of a toaster?”

“It worked for the rodents!” Chirped the blue robed S’pht eagerly. Much to the frustration of their peers.

“Rodents?” Almace had a bad feeling about this.

Before the blue cloak could volunteer any more information, the gray robed S’pht all but herded the chatty blue S’pht out of the room. “No more questions.” The grey S’pht announced in a stern business tone. “It is time for work.”

“Okay… Sure…” Almace clearly didn’t believe it. But she was willing to let it slide for the sake of alien diplomacy.

*

The third warning sign came from all places… Gram.

“I wanna be a Godpigeon.”

“Whaf?” Calvin looked up from his lunch. Small pieces of rice sprayed out of his mouth as he looked at the Drinniol in curiosity. “Whas sa Goff pfigion?”

“Please swallow before you talk.” Almace muttered tiredly from her side of the table. Her meal of stir fry rice, broccoli, carrots, and cabbage looked a lot less appealing just now.

Calvin complied with her wishes and took a huge gulp of water before trying again. “What’s a Godpigeon?”

“Hell if I know.” The massive Drinniol took a seat at the table. Glanced at Almace’s untouched meal and made a little gesture with his huge paw. Almace, not saying a word, casually handed her plate over to the hungry alien. With a hearty laugh, Gram tipped his head back enough to reveal the insect like mandibles that served as his lips and teeth. With two loud gulps, he ate the entire meal of stir fry and tossed the empty plate down with gusto. “Hah! Dat’s good!”

Calvin grimaced. No matter how many times he has seen the Drinniol’s mouth, it is always a little disturbing. “So…” The dirty blond stirred his food as he tried to regain his will to eat. “If you don’t know what a Godpigeon is, why do you want to be one?”

“For da respect of course!” Gram boomed out cheerfully. His mandibles smacked against his rounded tusks in appreciation of his meal. “Dat historical video of yer’s shows da Godpigeon has all da power and respect. Dey even kiss his feet!”

Calvin and Almace blinked at this confusing explanation. For a moment they looked at each other in silent communication, hoping that someone could figure out what the Drinniol was talking about. Finally Almace gave up. “What historical video are you talking about?” she asked.

“Yah know! Da video!” Gram shook his head in disappointment at her. “Yah need to stop working so hard Pup. Missing out on all da fun.” The Drinniol turns his single compound eye to the remnants of Calvin’s meal.

Calvin, acting like any true Martian, quickly wrapped his arms around his plate. “No!” he shouted. “This is my meal. Go get your own. And you!” The Security Officer pointed at Almace. “Stop giving him your food. You need to eat more.”

“But yer food tastes better!” Gram grumbled hungrily. “Da Godpigeon doesn’t deal with unfair treatment like dat. Vehicles stop for him, everyone stops what der doing just when he shows up and dey always obey him even when dey don’t understand him.”

“Sounds like Durandal.” Calvin commented idly as he finally got over his nausea and shoved another spoonful of his stir fry to his mouth. Chewing slowly, he continued. “Can never understand Durandal’s techno-babble, he takes command of all technology in the place, and he acts like a full blown diva when he’s talking about his conquests.”

Almace gives Calvin a questioning stare. “So… You’re saying you want to kiss Durandal’s feet?”

It takes an embarrassing amount of time to calm the Security Officer down after that statement. With Calvin’s face flushed and eyes bulging, both Almace and Gram had to hurry to the dirty blonde’s side and pound on his back until he stopped choking. 

“Breathe Pup!” The Drinniol orders while slapping Calvin’s backside especially hard. Almace wouldn’t be surprised if bruises formed later. “And yer always making faces at my eating habits.”

Calvin gasped, tried to say something, choked, and hunched over to cough some more. Gram shook his head in pity and turned to regard Almace. “Might be best not to torture da Pup.” He scolded her lightly. “Yah never know when someone has a foot fetish.”

Calvin wheezed in the background.

*

Thanks to Calvin’s predicament, Almace had completely forgotten about the odd series of events that served as warnings. Sadly, this lack of attention came back to haunt her later.

“HELLO NURSE!”

The auburn haired girl paused on her way to the Rozinante’s bridge. Turning slowly, she viewed three Pfhor science officers that were just getting off their shift. The aliens shuffled nervously at her stare and lowered their eyes in submission.

“What did you just say?” Almace asked feeling both insulted and frankly surprised that the aliens even knew such a human term.

“Our apologies, future Hive Queen Almace of High Command Durandal. You always seemed unhappy with our proper greetings in the past…”

“Because you never just call me Almace. Which I have asked you repeatedly to do.” The girl grumbled tiredly. Ever since these Pfhor defectors had learned about her gender, they have become impossible to reason with.

“So we ventured to use the human tongue for a salutation.” First class Uuhr’m ventured cautiously in his own language. The Pfhor warbled when Almace narrowed her eyes at him and his two compatriots hid themselves behind their commanding officer in fear.

“We were only quoting the historical records. Please do not demote us!” wailed second class I’ii’ch.

“Yes! It was the rouge trickster’s fault for showing us those videos! Not us!” Third class Yyr’hy added.

Almace paused. The Pfhor always had a fondness for their titles and she knew who the rouge trickster was in their complex hierarchy. There was also the fact that the term ‘historical records or historical videos’ was used. Connecting the dots, the girl turned and stalked towards the bridge of the Rozinante.

“Good luck future Hive Queen Almace!” called out Uuhr’m unhelpfully. “May you grow wings of fertility soon! So the Hive may have a Great Mother upon the throne!”

Feeling childish, Almace gave the confused Pfhor a middle finger on her way out. Last thing she wanted to think about was becoming like a female Pfhor and having dozens of children a day.

*

“Durandal, what did Jason do? And please tell me that he is now paying for it.” asked Almace as she entered the bridge.

The android turned from his view of the massive nebula before the ship. Gave the fuming girl a shit eating grin, he belted out in perfect baritone, “She’s manna sent from heaven, too bad I’m only seven. Cause-”

“Durandal… Seriously?” Almace sighed in exasperation. Even the A.I. was taking Jason’s side in this nonsense?

“-HELLO NURSE!” Durandal crooned out while stepping up to her. Taking advantage of his position, he quickly swooped in to kiss her on the cheek.

Almace pushes the android away with a fake grumble. It was obvious she was trying to hide her amusement of the situation. Durandal, sensing victory sings the finale, “I wish you’d take care of me!!!”

*  
*  
*


	7. Keyblade Master

Prompt: Kingdom Hearts Crossover.

*  
*  
*

Cid Highwind leaned against the walls of Traverse Town, smoking his last cigarette in the pack. Normally the older man would have saved it for a special occasion. But after meeting that Sora kid... And seeing him fight off all those Heartless with the King's men? Yeah... The last cigarette needed to be lit. Times were changing again... Hopefully this time Lady Luck is smiling.

"Excuse me?"

"$&@#!!!" Startled, Cid accidentally bit into the cigarette, tasting sour nicotine. With a sharp curse he whirled around to glare at the tall green eyed young man with black hair. 

The kid looked disturbed by Cid's cursing but held his ground when the Captain glared down at him. "$&@#! Kid! Didn't anyone tell you not to startle people? What do you want?"

"I was told you build and sell gummi ships. I wish to buy one." The dark haired brat replied solemnly.

Cid regretfully spat out his ruined cigarette and grounded it into the cobblestone street. Was this little brat serious? Whole worlds were disappearing due to the Heartless! Hollow Bastion was nothing but a memory of what it once was! And this kid wanted to fly a ship into that mess? "Kid... There ain't no way you can fly out into that shit. Unless you're a keyblade master, you're ass is gonna be eaten."

SHING!!! In a flash of light a keyblade manifested in the boy's hands Cid swore silently as he stared at the thing. Swords, medieval swords, all shaped into a blade. But that wasn't the scary part of it. It was the fact that another keyblade master existed in the first place. Cid wasn't a master of history, but he did know what happens when too many keyblade masters appear in the universe. The Keyblade War left too many scars to be ignored.

"I refuse to be eaten by the heartless." announced the green eyed boy. "My name is Durandal and I will find that monster Bernard Strauss and bring him to justice over his experiments!"

Strauss? Shit... Cid ran a hand over his face. Strauss was one of those infamous otherworld scientists that worked with Ansem the Wise before everything went to pot. "@#$% Kid... You can't be serious..."

Durandal just glared at him before showing the large sum of munny in his pouch. "Do you have a ship I can use or not old man?"

"Fine... Fine!" Cid threw his hands up in the air. "I'll take you down to my workshop there you'll get your pick of gummies. But I warn ya what's out there. Don't come crying to me later."

*  
*  
*

The girl watches this new Keyblade master as he inspects the gummi ship. The Tiny Bronco wasn't as impressive as the Highwind, but it could still navigate between worlds and still hold it's own against the Heartless. The new Keyblade master on the other hand...

"Can you fight?" She asked the green eyed man as he turned his attention to the shields.

"Of course I can." He announced haughtily. "Before our world disappeared into darkness, I fought off all the Heartless that was summoned by Strauss. Both Tycho and Leela were lost... I hope to find them soon." Durandal trailed off. The android absent mindedly patted the ship while ruminating over his lost home.

"You'll get them back." Durandal jerked out of his dark musings at the sound of the girl's voice. Despite the lack of emotions and eerie blank eyes this odd girl had been useful on helping Durandal outfit this gummi ship.

"Thanks..." He murmured in gratitude. "What is your name by the way?"

She shook her head. "I don't remember. Can't remember anything about my world before I came here. Cid thinks I was traumatized by the Heartless' destroying my world. In any case he gave me a purpose here at the gummi ship garage. I like being here. Fixing things and helping others. It fills the void within me."

Durandal clenched his hand in silent frustration. Another of Strauss' victims. That bastard will pay for his crimes. Durandal will see to it. Before he could ruminate further an acorn hit him on the head.

"What?" He asked in confusion.

"Blame the Chipmunks." The girl muttered while playing with a handful of acorns. "They were here earlier and left a mess of acorns all over the place." She pocketed the nuts and grabbed Durandal by the hand. "Come on. If you can't dodge an acorn, you'll need some help training on fighting."

*  
*  
*


	8. Space the Final Frontier

Prompt: Star Trek Crossover.

*  
*  
*

The planet Iolcus was classified by Starfleet as an L class planet, a barely habitable arid world that possibly contained a primitive ecosystem of life. It was a small planetoid that orbited a dwarf star with a thin but breathable atmosphere. There were signs of lakes and rivers occupying the planet once, but now they were all dried up leaving the planet’s white rocky surface barren. There was nothing truly remarkable or noteworthy of this place.

But as Commander Riker and his away team beamed down to Iolcus to explore a strange signal that the planet was giving off, he could see that the sensors on the Enterprise were very off on the planet’s environment. Brilliantly colored ferns grown to the size of a man dotted the landscape. Trees that put tall city buildings to shame sprouted from the dry riverbeds and warm hued flowers crunched underneath Riker’s feet.

This could easily be an M class planet with just a little terraforming. Riker mused to himself as he studied the vines that grew on the white canyon walls. He wondered how Starfleet could mess up so badly on finding an easily suitable colony world. 

That is…

Until he saw what laid underneath the white stone.

It was easily noticeable. All the rocks on this planet were actually perfectly cut squares. Time and weather had worn away the sharp edges but now that Riker was looking closely at the cliffs and canyons of this planet, he could see the carefully made cubes. And what was within those geometric shapes? Wires, steel beams, and still working machinery.

The Commander was thankful that Captain Picard actually listened to him today. It was a constant struggle to keep the curious Captain onboard the ship and out of harm’s way. Thankfully Riker won this battle and it was for the best. This technology looked far too familiar to the Borg for comfort.

A beep on the tricorder broke Riker out of his dark musings. He gave a silent motion to the rest of the away team and walked deeper into the canyon where a strange signal was being sent.

After a few minutes of silent walking Commander Riker, Worf, Data, and Geordi cleared the canyon and climbed up a small outcropping. Looking down, the away team was surprised to see the strange group that had gathered in the large valley below them.

It was a small group of people, humanoid by the shape, three males and one female. They sat near a large white block. Commander Riker could see a large copper discus was attached to the stone. The female was dressed in silvery robes with strange alien golden hieroglyphs sewn onto the seams. She was wrist deep into the block’s discus and was working on the machinery within.

The three males were all dressed differently and sat quietly around the female watching her work. It wasn’t until Riker’s away team made their way down the outcropping that the group noticed the Starfleet Officers. In a movement that was too fluid to be casual, the four humanoids arranged themselves into a defensive position.

Riker paused to take in the sight. A tall dirty blond haired man stood in front of the group. His silver blue armor, that looked like it belonged on a tank rather than a humanoid, gleamed in the sunlight. He carried a massive machine gun that looked both ancient and deadly.

Standing to the side but still protectively to the front of the group was a much smaller dark skinned man in a blue cape and hood. He held an energy sword in his right hand while his left rested on the pistol that sat holstered on his hip.

The woman in the robes stood in the back but the gleaming red laser on the long rifle all but conveyed the damage the long ranged weapon could do. Riker had no doubt that the sniper was aiming for their heads and wouldn’t hesitate to fire if the Starfleet Officers turned hostile.

The last member of their group didn’t draw a weapon, but then he didn’t really need to. It was obvious that the other three were extremely protective of him and arranged themselves accordingly to keep him safe. Wearing a long black jacket that had a strange neon green circle within a circle emblem on the back, the dark haired man watched Riker’s away team with the judging gaze of a leader.

Commander Riker came to a halt before the group and held his hands outward peacefully. They looked human perhaps their body language was the same as well? Riker called out in a calm clear voice. “I’m Commander Riker of the Starship Enterprise, a representative of the United Federation of Planets. This Lieutenant Commander Worf, Lieutenant Commander Data, and Chief Engineer Geordi.” Riker gestured to each of his away team in turn.

With introductions out of the way, Riker addressed the tense group before him. “We came here to investigate a strange signal that this planet was giving off. Are you the creators of that signal and do you need help?”

For a long second no one spoke. Then the smallest man made a curious shaking gesture, as if he was waking up from sleepwalking. For an odd moment, Riker thought he saw a glint of red coming from the man’s left eye. But then the moment had passed and the man spoke out to Riker’s away team. “Huh? You’re actually nice guys… We don’t get to see that often.” The four foot man put away his sword, his body language became loose and easy.

An unspoken signal went out to the rest of the group. One by one, they lowered their weapons and regarded the Starfleet Officers with quiet contemplation. The smallest man came forward. His silver eyes alighted with mischief as he spoke. “I’m Luke Skywalker. The handsome guy in the armor beside me is Han Solo. The pretty girl with the sniper rifle is Princess Leia, and tall dark and brooding in the back there is Darth Vader.”

The tall dark brooding man that was clearly the leader of the group sighed and closed his eyes in frustration. “Jason… I really hate you.” He grumbled in a low voice.

“No you don’t!” The small man replied cheekily.

 

*  
*  
*


	9. Wormsign

Prompt: Sand Worms!!!

*  
*  
*

“I’M DUKE PAUL MUAD’DIB!!!”

Jason’s excited scream could be heard throughout all the speakers. Durandal’s android, sitting safely in the captain’s chair onboard the Rozinante, just stared at the screens in blatant disbelief.

“We’re never going to get him off that thing. Are we?” asked Almace. A brief scan from the A.I.’s ship could easily locate the girl perching on the edge of the mountain range. The alien planet was mostly desert with few rocky outcroppings peaking out amidst the sand. Sniper rifle in hand, the Almace watched the events unfold in her usual unflappable manner while transmitting the data back up to Durandal’s ships.

“Well, we are lucky to see Sand Worms.” The A.I. allowed dryly as he continued to watch the monstrous creature bulldoze through the dunes like a runaway train. “They are really majestic. Like your Earth whales and grizzly bears.”

“THEY ARE NOT MAJESTIC FROM MY END!!!” shouted a tiny speck that was desperately trying to run away from the slithering beast. Well, in comparison to the Sand Worm, Calvin Revenant looked like a tiny speck. In reality Durandal know just how tall the Security Officer was.

“HE’S GONNA EAT ME!!!” Calvin was really hoofing it in order to stay ahead of the worm.

“Bro! Just jump on like I did! Seriously! This is awesome!”

No matter how many times Durandal recalibrated his sensors; he could not see Jason on that massive worm. Only by looking through Almace’s sniper rifle, did the A.I. witness the small man ridding the creature like a cowboy.

“BROTHER!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOUR INSANITY!!!” shrieked Calvin as he nearly got buried in sand.

“THE SPICE MUST FLOW!!!” hooted Jason’s as he continued to cling the massive beast.

“The worm senses your movement and is agitated by it.” Almace calmly observed from her safe spot. “You need to stop making noise if you don’t want it to eat you.”

“YEAH??? TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW!!!” Calvin was clearly having a bad day.

“The metal in your suit is and excellent supplement for the worm’s diet.” Durandal muttered from the Rozinante. Seriously was it too hard to ask for a proper mission? One where his idiots actually got the job done with little to no drama involved?

“I WASN’T ASKING YOU DURANDAL!!!”

*  
*  
*


	10. Disturbance in the Force

Prompt: This is a crossover between my “Diamonds in the Sky” Marathon universe and General Radix’s “Marathon Inmortalitas” universe.

If you want to read more of General Radix’s amazing stories, I heavily recommend you go here!  
https://archiveofourown.org/series/491311

Also! If you want to check out General Radix’s gorgeous artwork for the Marathon Inmortalitas series, click here!  
https://www.deviantart.com/general-radix/gallery/58811753/marathon-refs

*  
*  
*

“Snack time!” Calvin Revenant called out as he entered the Rozinante’s engine room. Various S’pht workers paused to glance at the odd newcomer that had ‘just appeared’ onboard their ship from an alternate reality.

Durandal, following in Calvin’s footsteps, waved a hand at the curious S’pht crewmembers. The robed aliens gave a respectful nod to their Captain before going back to work.

Oblivious to it all, the dirty blond haired Security Officer came to a stop before a massive coolant system that had been malfunctioning for the last six weeks. His attention was fixed on the filthy auburn haired woman that was shoulder deep in the labyrinth of pipes. “Almace!” Calvin called out again. “Snack time.”

“Busy.” Since both of her hands were occupied with holding a section of the piping in place while adjusting the pressure of the coolant flow, the girl was using her mouth to as a temporary place holder for the mole wrench and was absent mindedly chewing on the thing. It took Durandal a moment to process that fact. Then it took another moment for the android to realize that Almace was so used to having tools in her mouth that she could actually form coherent words.

“Come on.” Durandal jumped a little when he heard the unusually stern voice. In all the time he had been with Calvin Revenant, the android had never heard that tone of voice before.

“You know the rules.” Calvin continued quietly. “We don’t mind if you get into these long work binges. As long as you’re happy, we’re happy. But we want you healthy too. So, after every three to four hours, you get a break.” The tall man then broke the solemn mood by brandishing a plate before the girl’s nose. “And you get to be our test tester!”

That finally got Almace’s attention. “Taste tester? What did you make this time?” she asked as she pulled off her gloves and pushed up the goggles.

“Not me!” With a proud flourish, Calvin presented Durandal to the curious girl. “I taught him how to bake!”

“Really?” 

Durandal found himself gritting his teeth on the disbelieving tone in the girl’s voice. The stories of his bad cooking were spreading through the local rumor mill like wildfire. Lh’muria was probably to blame for this out of hand gossiping.

Before he could ruminate further on this outrage, Almace reached out and took one of Durandal’s cookies. She popped the treat into her mouth, chewed, and with a hum of satisfaction she gave a small smile to the android. “These are good. Are they sugar cookies?”

“Yeah.” Durandal answered. “Calvin figured we should start small. Baking is usually easy since all you have to do is follow the instructions. Cooking an actual meal is always ten times harder.”

Calvin nodded. “It’s rather frustrating. A lot of the cooking guides instruct their chefs to go by what they feel is appropriate amount of ingredients or to ‘spice it up’ if they wish. This does little to help new chefs on finding what their taste buds prefer. Baking on the other hand had much stricter rules on the use of ingredients, but the end results are far better for everyone.”

“Well, I definitely like these.” Almace hummed in satisfaction as she munched on her seventh cookie. “What are you going to try making next?”

Before Durandal could venture his ideas of a surprise meal for Vince, a loud angry roar could be heard throughout the engine room. Blinking in confusion, the two Battleroids and one android peered out to the deck’s hallway to see an angry Rasputin marching their way.

“Vse zayebalo! Pizdels na khui blyad!”

“Uh…” Calvin leaned over to whisper at Almace. “Do I need to know what he just said?”

“Nope.” The girl answered calmly, yellow crystal flashing against her neckline. “You don’t want to understand a word of that.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“YOU!” Calvin actually jumped when Rasputin laid eyes on the dirty blond Security Officer. “You! Where is your older brother?”

“Uh… Given the state of your anger… I’d wager he is hiding somewhere inside the ship.” Calvin answered honestly. “Can I ask what he did this time?”

The massive android growled a few choice curse words in Russian before thrusting a pad in Calvin’s hands. “The fool has replaced all my music files with this filth.” Rasputin snarled dangerously.

Raising his eyebrows in surprise, Calvin tapped the tablet’s surface questionably and was rewarded with a fast-pace techno music that had a young female voice singing in a foreign language.

“Japanese love song.” Almace furrowed her brow. “There’s no way anyone could sing that fast. Must be an A.I..”

“I don’t care about that!” Rasputin pulled the pad away from the group. “I want to know where my music went! Do you know how hard it was to obtain perfected coordinated ballet pieces like the ones in my collection?”

“You like ballet?” Calvin blurted.

At the same time Almace answered calmly, “Your music is probably hidden in the ship’s main computer under a weird name.”

“My brother plays tricks, but never in a nasty way.” Added Calvin, who was quickly recovering from the idea that Rasputin liked ballet. “Knowing him, he’s probably trying to challenge your firewall protection.”

“If Jason can hack it, so can a Pfhor, or Tycho.” Almace was slowly losing interest in the conversation. Her hands idly picked at the pipe wrench at her side. “Best to up your security if Jason can get in there.” The girl shrugged dismissively as she finished off the plate of cookies.

With a grunt, Rasputin began tap irritably at the pad, obviously looking for his missing music files.

Calvin rubbed his chin thoughtfully while watching both Rasputin and Durandal. “You know…” The Security Officer began quietly. “We’ve been negligent since we’ve come to this dimension. We really should be holding classes on how to fight and defend ourselves from hostile environments.”

“Vince has been teaching me how to fight.” Durandal countered hotly.

Calvin nodded. “Sure. But did he teach you how to blend into a busy city crowd? Did he teach you how to surprise attack your opponents? What to watch out for when you are in the wrong side of town?” The Security Officer shook his head. “How to throw a punch is just the beginning.”

“I could also teach you how to navigate on snow and ice.” Almace ventured helpfully. “How to climb mountains. How to build fires with little to no fuel. I can also show you how to hunt and fish.”

“We’re not doing that particular cooking lesson again.” Calvin interrupted.

“It’s important that they know what pieces of the meat is edible and how to prepare it.” Almace frowned at the dirty blond. “Just because you Martians don’t like meat-”

“No. We are not getting into that.” Calvin sliced his hand through the air. “No cooking lessons involving living animals. Period.”

“My Dad always killed the fish and rabbits first before we cooked them.”

“Don’t care. They don’t need to be taught that.” 

“Do I get an opinion?” asked Durandal impishly.

“Yes.” Replied Almace.

At the same time Calvin snapped, “No.” The Security Officer blinked, and then blushed. “I mean, yes. Sorry. I just…”

“Hah! There is a file here with the same amount of storage space as my ballet music!” Rasputin interrupted victoriously. “It even has a strange title to it. Some insult only your fool would understand.”

“Really? What is it?” Calvin asked.

“Pfudor.”

Both Almace and Calvin smirked at the odd word. Durandal quickly learned that this kind of behavior was a bad sign. “What does that mean?” The android asked testily.

Calvin looked questionably at Almace. The girl shrugged silently in response. Then, in unison, the two recited in an eerie synchronization, “Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing On Rainbows.”

“P-F-U-D-O-R” Durandal spelled out. “Of course…”

Rasputin stared at the three as if they had all gone insane. Then with a harsh, “Mudak!” the large android marched out of the room.

Once he was safely out of earshot, Calvin ventured. “Do you think his music was in that file?”

“Possibly. Or the pink fluffy unicorns could be on eternal loop on it instead.” Answered Almace.

“… I’m gonna go hide with my brother.”

“Good idea.”

*   
*  
*

Durandal snarled viciously as he found himself pinned to the floor. What had been a simple raiding mission had now become an uncontrollable nightmare. The team had been split up, the alarms were blaring, and the honking of Pfhor fighters echoed throughout the dark corridors. This rickety old space station was far better defended than the reports offered. And worst of all Tycho was overseeing the station’s upgrades.

“You test my patience. Why are you here? Stealing information from the Pfhor’s archives again?”

Speaking of the bastard, Tycho was looming over Durandal. A bright red boot was planted in Durandal’s shoulder, keeping the A.I. trapped to the floor. A harsh smirk forming on Tycho’s bruised face. Durandal was slightly proud of that bruise. Some of those lessons from both Calvin and Jason Revenant had their uses.

Just like the Revenant brothers had advised, Durandal had entered rooms that had multiple exits. When Tycho first found him, Durandal pretended to be injured so that the red clad android would drop his guard in order to gloat. Then when Tycho had gotten close enough, Durandal surprised him with a knuckle sandwich.

But there was one thing that both brothers had insisted on doing, that Durandal did not do. They both lectured that after you landed the first surprise attack, it was imperative to turn around and get the fuck out of Dodge. Doesn’t matter if your opponent is knocked out, near death, have killed your father or is your father. After getting that one good hit on the opponent, you are supposed to run away. 

Durandal did not run away.

Now, pinned down, the A.I. briefly wondered if he was going to live long enough to get another lecture from those annoying brothers that can’t stay in their own dimension for any length of time.

THUMP!!!

Tycho paused and looked upwards. The entire walls of the space station rattled ominously. “What…?”

THUMP!!!

Durandal tried to move during the distraction, but Tycho quickly slammed his weight back down on Durandal’s shoulder. “Don’t even think about it.” hissed the silver haired android. “It took us a long time to get here. But now…” Tycho leaned in and smiled at Durandal’s pained grimace. “I’m going to savor this victory.”

KA-BOOM!!!

The entire wall exploded outwards. Pieces of shrapnel flew at the two androids forcing them to flinch away from each other. Durandal remained down on the floor however as the most ludicrous sight ever seen, came crawling through the new hole in the floor.

Massive green vines slithered through the metal floor like tentacles. Leaves that had the flexibility of hands held various human and Pfhor weapons and were firing them at a retreating Tycho. A bulbous head of a Venus Fly Trap completed the ensemble. Germaine Botanica the Magnificent grinned hungrily as she watched the android scamper away. With a laugh, she called out. “You dare to flee? From me? ME! The soon to be ruler of the entire universe!”

Various grenades flew out from behind the massive plant. Durandal craned his neck and was rewarded the sight of Jason Revenant perched like a frog on the top of Germaine’s head. Grinning slightly maniacally, the smaller man was throwing grenades at the Pfhor Hunters and Enforcers that were trying to enter the room. There was also an unhealthy amount of grenades being tossed down the path Tycho took in his retreat. If Durandal didn’t know better, he would think that Jason had a vendetta against the silver haired android.

“Oh yeah baby! We are the champions my friends!” Jason sang out victoriously as he lobbed a grenade at a hesitant Fighter.

“And we’ll keep on fighting till the end!” Roared out Germaine as she picked up a hapless Enforcer by the legs, held the poor Pfhor upside down which gave Durandal a good view of what was underneath those robes, and tossed the Enforcer into a wall with the same vicious strength of a Drinniol’s punch.

SPLAT!

Ignoring the yellow goop that now decorated the walls, the two agents of chaos continued their rampage throughout the chamber. Jason cheekily gave Durandal a salute before belting out the rest of Queen’s ‘We are the Champions’ at the top of his lungs. The music sounded atrocious and that was saying something considering how tone deaf Durandal was.

Ignoring the android’s wincing, Jason and Germaine used their destructive power to make a new door in another wall. With a volley of grenades combined with the words, “No room for Losers! For we are the Champions!” The duo made their way out into the space station’s hallway to terrorize more of the poor Pfhor fighters that were trying desperately to hold the line.

A soft scruff of boots near Durandal’s side alerted the android of Vince’s presence. Judging the sheepish look on the hacker’s face, it was clear that Vince had been shadowing the two’s destructive power for some time. Vince leaned over reached out to help Durandal to his feet. “You okay?” he asked gently.

“Please tell me you are not responsible for this madness.” Durandal grumbled as slowly got to his feet. Tycho had hit him hard earlier and Durandal was certain that his shoulder needed attention if it was to be healed properly.

“Well…” Vince rubbed the back of his head. “I didn’t suggest to Jason that he should pair up with Germaine… If that helps.”

Durandal scowled. “It doesn’t.” With a hiss, the android rubbed his aching shoulder. “You do realize there is no living with them now that they joined up together.”

An explosion rocked the space station as if to emphasize Durandal’s point.

Vince laughed nervously. “Are we doomed?”

“…Possibly.”

*  
*  
*

“Revenant!!!”

Jason jumped slightly at the yell. His companion, Cortana, smirked at his sheepish face. “What did you do this time?” she asked in amusement.

“Your guess is as good as mine Cory.” Jason replied. To be honest he hadn’t really done anything crazy lately. In fact he had been on his best behavior while interacting with the aliens on the planet below. The local flea market down there was a blast to explore in.

Before Jason could ruminate further, Haller came marching down the hallway of the Rozinante. The brown haired android had that concentrated look of someone that was one step away from constipation. Granted, many people had that look when they had to deal with Jason. Still… It was odd to see it right now when Jason had been behaving himself.

“Yoda!” The smaller man waved enthusiastically at Haller’s approaching form. “How’s my favorite swamp A.I.?”

“Yoda?” asked Cortana. It was clear that the dark haired android was doing her best not to smile and failing spectacularly at it. But Jason was willing to give her points for effort.

Now is only Haller could smile…

“Well the Haller in our universe was found in a crashed ship in Pfhor Prime’s swampland.” Jason elaborated. The Martian botanist made a point of keeping his attention on Cortana. But, at the corner of eye, Jason could still see Haller. The cloaked android had tensed over the reference of the doomed Chimera.

“But! And this is the best part! Despite the fact that everything went to shit, our Haller still kicked everyone’s ass. Didn’t matter if it was the Pfhor, Dangi saboteurs, or that a-hole Tycho himself. Haller took them all on, and still came out on top. That’s why…” Jason turned to gesture to a now flustered looking Haller. “That’s why you’re the badass Yoda.”

“I am not the Haller of your universe. I do not know this Yoda. And flattery will get you nowhere.” Despite the android’s stern tone, there was a hint of gratitude in Haller’s eyes. The immaculately dressed android reached out and grabbed Jason by the arm and started to drag the smaller man towards the storage bay.

“Hey! Ow! Go easy on the Jedi powers!” Jason yelped. His legs working double time to keep up with Haller’s long strides. “What’s got your cape in a knot anyway? I’ve actually been behaving myself for once.”

An eyebrow was arched at Jason’s direction and the android kept marching on. Jason let out a huff in frustration. He can never get any respect these days…

“I hardly believe you can… ahem… ‘behave yourself’ at any given time Revenant. Especially since I encountered this little acquisition of yours” sighed Haller as he keyed in the code to open the storage bay.

“Open the pod bay doors please Hal.” Jason chirped innocently as the two massive pieces of steel sweep open. Haller, not getting the reference, just glared at the smirking botanist until Jason finally got the hint and went inside the storage bay. “Hey! It’s my trophy room!” the smaller man crowed as he saw the contents scattered about the bay’s floor.

“Good. You actually acknowledge that this… rubbish… is yours.” Haller looked about in distaste. “Care to explain how it got here? Because this certainly wasn’t purchased by our funds. I combed through our finances carefully.”

Jason gave off a mock gasp and brought his hands to his cheeks dramatically. “Why Haller! I’m shocked! Shocked! Do you honestly think I would steal all of this?”

The android levered a glare down at Jason’s poor acting. “I don’t think, ‘I KNOW’ that you would steal.”

“Ouch!” The smaller man grasped his chest, pretending to be in pain. “That hurts Hal! But!!!” Jason winked and gave the grumpy android a thumbs up. “You are one hundred percent right about me! So you deserve a lollipop!”

It was right about this time that Cortana couldn’t contain her giggles anymore. “A lollipop? What? What are you talking about?” she gasped in between bouts of laughter.

“It’s obvious that the fool has lost his mind to stress.” Haller sighed. It was rather criminal to see such an eloquently and meticulously dressed man look so put out.

“Nah!” Jason waved his hand at both of the androids. “You guys just don’t understand the magic of lollipops. But that is okay!” The botanist turned his head towards Haller’s frowning face. 

“You wanna know about my trophy room right? Well… Get this! It’s called a trophy room because I actually won everything in that room while playing around down there on the planet below.” To emphasize his point, Jason gestured out to the hallways where the Rozinante’s windows revealed the single planet they were orbiting outside.

“You won that?” Haller asked skeptically.

“Yup.”

“…How?” 

“Jousting.”

“…Jousting… You went jousting…”

“Hey! Don’t sound so surprised.” Jason pouted up at that android. “I’m actually really good at it. Smaller target to hit!”

Haller pinched the bridge of his nose. Jason briefly wondered if these forms of androids could get headaches. “Revenant… There are no horses down on the planet. There are no references of the local inhabitants having a sport called jousting recorded in their databanks. Just how did you manage to acquire this…” Haller waved a hand over the pile. “…mess.”

“For one thing, they may not have horses… BUT!!! They have segways!”

Considering the confused looks that both Cortana and Haller had, neither of the androids have encountered the magic of segways. Jason eagerly began to dig through the rubble to present the two wheeled scooter to them. “See! Isn’t it awesome? The local aliens use them to travel everywhere.”

Jason proceeded to pull out a massive wheeled chair out of the mess and sat down in the comfy seat. “They also have the best ideas to use rolling chairs in their bars! Who needs to worry about falling over if you’re drunk? Just roll around and you’re fine!” Like a child in an office chair, the smaller man spun around in the massive thing until he rested his feet against the segway.

“So I was in this bar, enjoying these ridiculously awesome chairs when some jerk tells me I can’t fight for shit.” Jason leans over to glare at the two androids. His face changed to be more serious. “And I wasn’t going to take that lying down. So I challenged him to a duel.”

“A duel?” Cortana giggles as she looks at the segway and rolling chair with curiosity. “You used those two items to joust with?”

“Yep!” Jason leaned back with a superior air. “I used the segway to gain momentum and the chair as my faithful steed! We dueled with long loaves of bread. Whoever could hit the other with the loaf of bread wins!”

“And you win…” Haller concluded as he examined the vintage wine bottles and barrels of mead. “A surpassing feat considering your reach.”

“Hey! No short jokes!”

“Nevertheless, I’m confiscating all of this.” Haller concluded.

Both Jason and Cortana glared at the strict android with surprised betrayal. “Oh come on!” Cortana called out.

“Don’t be a stick in the mud!’ Jason whined. “We could seriously party with this!”

“Jason… No.”

“…This is going on my list isn’t it?”

Haller smirked but didn’t answer.

*  
*  
*

“DAMNIT!!!”

Durandal startled from where he was reading the reports. That shout obviously came from Vince. But considering the lack of hostility with his shout, it was clear that spiky haired hacker wasn’t too upset. Just startled.

It was a long flight to their next destination, so most of the crew was resting during this free time. Durandal, having enough of the cold temperatures that often plagued the Rozinante, snuck into Vince’s room for the night and was now reading off the hacker’s laptop throughout most of the morning.

Vince had awoken late (as usual) and made a few zombie noises that roughly translated to, “shower” before he crawled out of the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. Durandal took this rare moment to sprawl out over Vince’s bed and indulged in the luxury of lazily looking over the crew’s latest reports.

That is… until Vince’s loud outburst.

“THAT LITTLE BASTARD! I’LL KILL HIM!”

Okay… That sounded much more violent. Vince had only been in the shower for three minutes. What could have possibly triggered such a reaction? 

The door to the bathroom burst open and hot steam poured into the room. Durandal was treated to a sight of wet muscles, damp hair, and barely covered with a towel Vince.

A most delightful treat.

“That jerk! Lh’muria must have told him about my hatred of lemons!” Vince was still ranting despite the fact that the towel was slowly sliding down. “He filled the shower’s water tanks with lemon juice!”

Durandal found himself smirking. Jason Revenant strikes again. Although the android couldn’t help but wonder if other parties helped that particular prank. If so… Durandal wasn’t complaining.

Before the android could ruminate further on this latest joke, a tiny droplet of lemon juice gradually made its way down Vince’s collarbone. The drop trickled along the man’s heaving abs as he continued to rant over his misfortune and come to a stop at a nipple.

“I swear if he wants a prank war, he’ll get a prank war! … Uh… Dude? You okay?” Vince was just noticing Durandal’s hungry stare.

The android rose swiftly from the bed, grabbed Vince by the shoulders, and pushed the surprised man down onto the disturbed blankets. “Durandal!” Vince half laughed, half protested. “I’m all wet.”

Durandal silenced him with a kiss. “Shut up.” The android growled to Vince when he decided to allow the man some air. Also that damn towel needed to go. “And get to work.”

With a warm happy chuckle, Vince gladly followed his navigator’s orders.

*  
*  
*

It had been over seven hours and Durandal had been more than patient. Honestly! Why does his crew insist on jumping off into another universe at the drop of a hat? With a huff of his cooling vents, the grumpy A.I. activated his android to march through the Vex gate and enter the strange parallel universe where his crew seemed to be taking a vacation.

Thankfully Calvin and Almace had been easy to recover. After a slight reluctance, the two Battleroids dutifully trailed the android as he continued to march about the parallel Rozinante for Jason.

Sadly Durandal could only find Cels instead.

“Sorry. Last time I saw him, he was behind this door.” The Harpy chirped in a voice that was too innocent to be believable. “I would let you in… but the door is locked.” She added with an evil glint in her red eye.

It was obviously a trap. But Durandal was too impatient to exercise caution. He focused his attention on the door controls. Was it considered ironic or sad on how quickly he could hack the programming of doors? Durandal didn’t want an answer.

What he also didn’t want… was to see a very naked Vince and his alternate universe android tumbling through the sheets together.

Of course Durandal rarely got what he wanted.

“Uh hey! That door was locked for a reason!” Vince was trying to be imitating while desperately trying to cover himself with the blankets. Needless to say it wasn’t working.

Durandal shut the door without a word.

Turning around, the A.I. noticed that both of his Battleroids were behaving very strangely. Calvin was a brilliant shade of red that covered his ears and flushed down his neck nicely. The dirty blond tried to speak but only made squeaking noises the minute Durandal focused his attention on him. After a few more strange noises the Security Officer managed to croak out, “Going back. Need shower.”

And off Calvin went. He was walking very oddly. Durandal was briefly concerned that the younger Revenant brother might be injured but… Calvin was also walking extremely fast so the A.I. dismissed it as another weird Revenant quirk that has surfaced over his long years of dealing with the brothers.

Almace, also bright red, was gazing up at Durandal with a curious and amused expression. Durandal, in turn, glared at her before asking, “What?”

“Please tell me you got pictures.” She deadpanned.

The A.I. honestly couldn’t answer that. There were rare times when this ridiculous woman would crash his system. … This was one of those times.

“I did!” Sang Cels triumphantly. “I’ll share them with you!”

“Please don’t.” Durandal groaned as he tugged the two conspiring females back to the Vex gate. “Their business is none of our business and I honestly don’t want to know any of their business.”

“Why?” asked a ventilation grate above their heads. Durandal didn’t even bother to look up. He knew without a doubt that Jason was in there, smirking like the cheekily little bastard he is. “Upset that this universe’s version of you is banging a Battleroid? Or are you upset that you aren’t getting any?”

Durandal walked casually away from the grate. But his mind was whirling with the speed no ordinary computer could compete with. With the ease of an A.I. that had the Rozinante’s blueprints engrained within his core and the exact measurements of his foot prints recorded with every step, Durandal raised the Fusion Pistol and shot at the ventilation grate that was now behind him… without even glancing at his target.

With determined footsteps, Durandal marched away. Ignoring the horrible screeching noises as the ventilation grate gave way and Jason came crashing down on the floor with a loud yelp. “NOT COOL!” The botanist yelled out from his belly flop on the ground. “THAT WAS NOT COOL!”

Durandal didn’t answer. His mind continued to analyzing and deleting possible three way scenarios involving Security Officers and Engineers. 

*  
*  
*


End file.
